Cut from the Fringe

Favourite joke from the Edinburgh Fringe this year (and the judging panel agrees);

Hedgehogs - why can't they share the hedge?

Nice - I like the one-liner style, like Milton Jones or Stewart Francis.

Er, that's it for this one!

Fashion statements

I'm no follower of fashion - I'm very much a jeans-and-tee-shirt person - but I know when to draw the line and, more tellingly, I can see when others have crossed it; the line I'm referring to is the misguided wearing of sportswear.

We've all seen them; mostly older people, beyond the age of a reasonable degree of sporting success, carrying maybe a little more than their punching weight, yet dressed head-to-toe in basketball kit. You try not to laugh - or to look, even - but you can't help it, any more than you would were they to be wearing an A-board declaring themselves to be "Twit of the Century". They might as well do just that, as there's nothing more obviously misplaced than your dad dressed like your favourite sport star. What are they saying, both to us and about themselves? "No, put away your autograph book, sonny - that's not the real Michael Jordan. It's my uncle Frank."

It seems a purely male preoccupation to cling onto that vim and vigour of youth as expressed through sporting excellence. I can't remember seeing large, bingo-winged women dressed up like Lucinda Green (or Prior-Palmer, as she was in her heyday) with "Beagle Bay" in large letters across their shoulders and carrying a crop. Surely, that's something nobody should have to see.

No, I personally draw the line at long shorts and sandals in the summer, and even then I'm aware that I'm rather overweight and that my varicose veins are on show. I won't go out pretending to be David Beckham any more than my Mum might go out to an orchestral concert dressed like Dame Kiri Te Kanawa. It would fool nobody, not least me.

Anticipating "The Incident"

I'm very excited about the forthcoming new release from neo-prog greats Porcupine Tree, featuring as it does the title track as a single 55-minute epic!

However, in the email advertising the limited-edition boxed set, guitarist/vocalist and main man Steven Wilson described digital-only music (including versions on CD) as "functional, disposable shit", coming perilously close to a Gerald Ratner moment, I reckon.

Now, maybe he was making a controversial point to attract attention on behalf of his record company, but I have paid good money to put his music on my iPod and I certainly don't consider that any less valid than the $106.99 box set he's trying to flog at the moment. Far from it, as I'm unlikely to lug around with me a large box full of books and fancy German artwork, just because Steven thinks it's cool.

Well, thanks but no thanks, Steven; I don't have $107 to spend on art, especially when it's so calculated as a money-making premise as to strip it of any of its artistic integrity. Instead I'll wait until I can download the shit version from iTunes instead.

On being a football fan

Whether you like football or not, you'd have to have a heart of stone not to appreciate the unquestioning dedication of the hard-core, season-ticket-owning home fans. I was at White Hart Lane at the weekend and watched with admiration the small band of ringleaders who would begin the chants that the rest of the home fans would then join in with. There were four or five that I could identify, probably in their early twenties at most, some not even in this season's home kit, as a lot of people were, and they would let barely three or four minutes of time go by before starting another exhortation to the masses to urge on their team, try and get the manager to indicate the score, send welcoming vibes to new signings and, of course, mock the opposition's numerically inferior supporters. They will be doing this week in, week out, in all competitions, in all weathers, win or lose, and the same can be said of all 92 Football League clubs and many much smaller concerns beyond.

Whilst we're at it, let's consider for a moment the dedication required from the visiting supporters to take the time, trouble and, in all likelihood, not inconsiderable expense to come all the way over from Greece to north London, numbering maybe 200 to 250 souls, watch their team lose 0-3, keep up an enthusiatic cheering and chanting all the while being barracked by around ten times as many foreigners and still have to face the return journey afterwards. Let's hear it for the away fans too, especially when they're from overseas!

Kids on "sports" mopeds

I'm worried and I'm concerned that it's little more than a sign of my age. Yes, I watched and enjoyed "Grumpy Old Men" and yes, I agreed with most of what they complained about. Nonetheless, I feel the need to voice my concerns in an altogether selfless fashion.

Kids on mopeds, that's my chief concern here. They propel these idiotic-sounding things about with the reckless abandon and fearlessness of youth, seemingly without any requirement to first undergo any road sense training, like I had to. In fact, I'd done a cycling proficiency test at Junior school, and I bet nobody does that anymore before unleashing themselves and their new BMX onto our busy streets. Only much later, and after I'd done a course with the BMF in the safety of the grounds of West Kent College in Brook Street, did I graduate from pedals to engine power.

There's a lot more to being on the road than just being able to manoeuvre the machine. There's signalling, observation, anticipation and positioning (or S.O.A.P., to be acronymous); in short, considering other road users (including pedestrians) and allowing for the unexpected. It's not just thinking about your own actions but those of all the strangers around you too; it's keeping them and you all alive, or at least out of A&E.

I don't know who, if anyone, is instructing these kids but I fear for their safety, not just now but in the future when they are in charge of faster and more powerful machines...

Making Firefox 3 and iPlayer talk nicely

Ever since getting the latest version of Firefox - currently 3.5.2 - I've not been able to download TV programmes from the otherwise fantastic BBC iPlayer for use on my Creative Zen media player (2Mb Flash version - thanks, Steve!).

The right-click Save option just keeps asking me to upgrade my version of Windows Media Palaver, only I already have the latest version. I don't like, or trust, Internet Exploder, and even tried Ace Explorer, which is IE-based, but that wouldn't work for this either. Grrrr!

So, I talked to John on the iPlayer message board - at least, I think I did; he/it is probably and automated computer script, for all I know - and one of his suggestions was to install an add-on called "I.E.Tab", which I did and I can tell you it works! I don't know how, but it does.

Once installed, you get the option in the right-click menu to select "Open in I.E. Tab" on a link and it opens IE in a new Firefox tab and then you can use THAT version of the link as usual. As a meerkat might say, "simples".

Anyway, thought I'd share this info in case anyone Googles it and finds themselves here; you never know...